I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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