Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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