Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
NoShamevember. You game?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
