I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
