i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
