I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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