My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
