Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
