Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
