I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
