Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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