new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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