She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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