Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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