Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
