The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
