Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
