there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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