does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You're a disaster
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