I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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