I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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