Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
