it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
