The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
