Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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