I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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