My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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