When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
