So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
