is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
