I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
