May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
