if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
