Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
