between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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