The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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