We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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