I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
