operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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