It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
