why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You have to summon your inner elephant
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
