Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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