someone get that fucking seahorse.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just gargled with NyQuil
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
