Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He better not be in your backpack
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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