Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
