Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
