she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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