ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
