I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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