he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
