the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
