I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
